I’ve been struggling way more than usual for the past week. I had a massive break down, had to pull the car over and everything. I haven’t done that since starting my meds back in August (Sertraline, if anyone was interested). To those of you who share my demons, you’ll understand what I mean when I say I went numb after that. Numb and suicidal. It’s scary putting it out on the internet like this, but I know that I’ve found strength from the bravery of others opening up, too. Plus, I’m making it my business to diminish the stigma around it. WHY my therapist wanted to know. 1) I wish I knew. 2) If I knew, I wouldn’t have needed two appointments back to back then, would I? We talked. You know, sometimes the voices or feelings just take over, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do but hold on tight and tough it out. If all you’ve had of of these days and you managed to get out of bed to get a glass of water, you’re a beast.
“But that’s ALL I did. I’m such a failure for letting it take over again. I’m not worth all the trouble.” No no no no. False. Error. Wrong. Total bullshit. You did the best you could with what you had to offer that day. You didn’t give up. You went to get that glass of water. Granted, there are no magic words I can tell you to convince you of your strength, beauty, worthiness, importance on days or weeks or months spent in a darkened world and the only way to answer the question ‘how do you feel’ is ‘absolute shit’.
That’s the most incredible thing about us; we are the magic words. It’s the best thing I’ve learned from going to therapy, especially this week. Most people underestimate how strong we actually are. I don’t mean to denounce other illnesses, but germs that can be treated with antibiotics don’t require a whole lot of effort from the one taking them (trust me, I’ve needed a fair share of them). The medication does a lot of the work. You’re depressed? Anxious? Bipolar? Bulimic? Our medication is like a mental cane, not a new leg. We can be on medication and sometimes still have to fight to move, to work, to survive. You’re awesome.
Can we please take a moment for the Supernatural episode that aired last week: “The One You’ve Been Waiting For”?? Dean got to kill a resurrected Adolf Hitler. Let me just say that again – DEAN FREAKING SHOT HITLER! And of course got some pie to reward himself, one of the many things we have in common. #pie4life This is also probably why some people label the SPN Family as crazy; we say things like “Dean shot Hitler on Thursday – how cool!” Our show is awesome.
You know me, always wanting to reach out to you more and stuff. I just put myself onto BlogLovin‘ if you wanted to share my blog with anyone else. The more who read the more find the love and acceptance I strive to provide!!